I am in love with myself, and by extension the world, and that is causing major probems.

I am in love with myself, and by extension the world, and that is causing major problems. Oh, and I am acutely aware of the mythology I build around myself and even more aware of the mythologies I create of which I am not aware.

I kissed five women on the cheek last night, touched the back of my roommates arm slightly above the elbow, caressed a woman’s head as she lay on the couch in front of me, and cornered a friend to tell him how much I loved him.

I have this curious dilemma: I have been increasingly able over the last six months of my life, to recognize in people characteristics that I immediately love. But that’s not all, what I have been able to do is recognize the mix of imperfection and strength in people and immediately love them. I wont go into whether that mix of weakness and strength is merely my perception or their reality. In fact, I want to avoid that subject atogether cause I am afraid where the train of thought will leave me. I find it enough to just love. I have fallen in love with anyone who I see struggling with their issues, fighting, striving, becoming, living the fools errand, creating, hurting, …anyone who exhibits the process of life. You are beautiful, all of you, you are the community of suffering and joy, you are my brothers and sisters and my betters and equals. Every song i want to sing seems at its heart to praise you and your godhood. I wish there were a socially acceptable way I could transmit to you just how much I love you. (see, there I go again). and therein lies the dilemma, I cannot find a socially acceptable way to show that love without all the entanglements. I feel lately like the accident victim who barely survives and, because of his closeness with death, goes around with penetrating eyes telling everyone he has ever met just how glad he is to be alive, how he was spared, and how they must cherish life. People are so uncomfortable with that man. (the wedding guest and the ancient mariner syndrome) they don’t know what to do, in the face of such earnestness they are moved, but ultimately hope it goes away in favor of a more acceptable demeanor. Ah the balance between that earnestness and crossing lines. I don’t want the women I kissed on the cheek to love me romantically,(and I certainly want to respect their bubble) I don’t want my roommate to worry bout my sexual orientation, but the spontaneous need arises in me to let them know how grateful I am that they exist and are in my life. and everytime I try to verbalize it I get the blank stares of people who don’t know how to react. And when I do get married, (my poor wife), how am I ever going to explain to her that I momentarily fell in love with a woman I saw in some random stairwell, but that she shouldn’t worry cause it’s a different kind of love? And if I write and mention that woman in the stairwell, or some other image, or a past lover, will I run the risk of ruining my relationship with my wife?

And now my mind is a bit shot from thinking through all the peripheries of this blog, so I will leave it at that….but know that I love you for reading this.